Letters From the Schvice

Since it’s Friday, I figured I’d put something lighthearted together to start readers off with a pleasant weekend. Recently, someone (if it was you please tell me) shared issues of the Doniac Schvice from September 1996 to 2000 in PDF format. I went through the letter sections, which always contained humorous tidbits, and took out some entertaining quotes. I hope you enjoy.

Fall ’96

“Hey Trey,
Who’s your wardrobe person? They must be ultra-fly!

Mack Daddy
San Francisco, CA

I take my fashion cues from the guys in the band – Mike’s knickers and Fish’s dress are TOO dope. And those shoes that Page wears…wack man, totally wack.
– Trey”

“Hey guys,
What’s the name of the new Scent of a Mule middle thing? Is it Spanish or Russian? I love it.

Doug Wright
Keene, NH

Dear Doug:

We call it the “Mule Duel,” Doug. It’s Klezmer. Klezmer, Doug, is the Dixieland of the Yiddish.


March ’97

“Dear Phish:
I have a question for you. Do you all ever have fights after being locked in a bus after for a long tour? Cause when were all on tour we want to kill each other sometimes! Just wondering.
Rock Forth! – Willow Breeze

Dear Rock:
We fight in the dressing room every once in a while about musical problems. On the bus it’s pretty rare for us to fight. Occasional there’s a fight about a bet. “I can’t believe you think you won the bet – there’s no way I’m giving you the money. You’re acting like a baby.” Another time, we fought over change. I argued for continuity, and Trey for change. Voices were raised, but in the end, we swapped sides, laughed it off, and faked a handshake [no touching rule].

What’s up with that Geddy Lee? How does he get his voice so high? I wonder if he talks like an ordinary guy.
Sincerely, Dirk N. DeCorners

Dear Dirk:
Just because you quote Pavement, it doesn’t mean Trey will like you. But, as it turns out, he does like you. He asked me to pass along his number to you, as long as you don’t tell anyone else – 909.317.0911.
Ps. I know him, and he does.
– Your Fact Checking Cous”

Summer ’97

“Dear Mike,
From where do you get your inspiration to write the ever-so-loved, “Mike’s Corner?”
Ps. The Phish food is rather tasty.
Adam “Scrothe” Conrath
Reading, PA

Walking about, I get an imagine in my mind. Often, it’s a common place, theme, like a man with a pile of business forms. Then I warp the scene while maintaining the original image. Then I also concoct challenges like “I’ve never written in the present tense, so I’ll try that,” or “maybe this one could exploit the semicolon.”

1. That he wouldn’t be a second late for the bus. $1200 Lost.
2. That 60% of the world’s drinking water comes from Canada. $100 Lost.
3. That Java is the most densely populated island. $65 Lost.
4. That Linda McCartney didn’t only become a photographer because she’s an Eastman and got free film and always was around cool people to photography because her husband was a Beatle. $100 Lost.
5. That he could eat a mound of wasabi the size of a golfball in one bite. $21.50 Won.

Fall ’97

“Dear Phish,
What do you think about the people who call Phish fans neo-hippies or weed smoking freaks who listen to bad music. Later, Becky Sullivan.
Musical taste is subjective. For example, I listen to a song on the radio and love it with tears streaming down my cheeks, switch channels and find the same song a minute later and hate it like listening to a pigeon die.

[to be continued…]

7 thoughts on “Letters From the Schvice

  1. Ha, ha, the Fishman late for the bus bet. Looks like it was in the newsletter a few years after this happened. It actually took place in 1993. I got to the State Theatre in New Brunswick and it turned out the show was sold out. No one really bothered getting tickets in advance back then. Regardless, I stuck the proverbial finger in the air and was pacing the sidewalk looking for an extra. Andrew Fishbeck (road mgr. pre-Brad) strolled by and cracked up when he saw me. “Hey Parker, what the fuck are you doing” he laughed. “Come with me”. He slapped an All-Access on my shirt and took me n the back door. After the show, we are sitting around the band room shooting the shit, and someone says, “Hey Parker, you in on the bet yet with Fish?” “Nope” I exclaim and inquired about it. Everyone laughing saying it’s sure bet. Fishman says the average bet is $50, so I agree, thinking nothing of it and that no one will remember the transaction.

    Well, not more than a few shows later, (UNH, Bangor?), I again was backstage after a show, and Fishman walks up to me and hands me a crisp $50 bill. No questions asked. It took me off guard and I had myself half-forgotten about the bet.

    True to his word though, he shelled out the dough to everyone he bet with.

    Funny times.

  2. Great post. Any chance of finding out where to locate those old Schvices? I recently found one of my old Schvices from ’97 but prior to that I hadn’t seen one in about 10 yrs. I would LOVE to skim through a digital archive if it’s available. Thanks…

  3. This post renews my wish for a blog revival of the Schvice. I wish we could convince the band to do it. Warms my heart.

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